morning after

Yes, I know, it’s the afternoon. Don’t be picky. Here, for what it’s worth, is my take on what the general election results mean for the parties involved (and, indeed, for us). I’ve done my level best to make it as objective as possible. So, let’s dive in.

Tories: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahabreathehahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahabreathehahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahabreathe
Haunted Pencil, gone. Lettuce Woman, gone. Braying Stoke Donkey and Sword Lady, gone, the pair of them. The list goes on and on and on, and it’s a thing of beauty. May your party’s implosion continue to be drawn-out and painful (for you) and hugely entertaining (for us).

Well done, you got the Tories out. Though in fairness they largely did that themselves, didn’t they? You’ve the whacking majority you wanted, now let’s see how you use it, because any government coming in and facing the chaos and destruction left by the last bunch has got a job on its hands. We need you to get it right, for all our sakes, so it’s a shame the promises in your manifesto don’t add up to much more than a hill of beans, especially for the folk who need it most. And that you’ve spent the past four years forensically battling the left while ending up with fewer votes than Allotment Man managed eight years ago. Go you. Still, you’ve a honeymoon period. Make the best of it, please.

Lib Dems:
I’m always going to view these with immense suspicion, given that last time they got within a sniff of power they enabled Tory austerity, and dropped their pledge about tuition fees like a hot brick, but it would take a curmudgeon not to recognise that Ed Davey has been living his best life on the campaign trail, paddleboarding, bungee jumping, water rafting, and – incredibly for a politician – seeming like he might actually be human. On top of which he’s taken hatfuls of seats from the Tories and somehow resurrected his party. Incredible.

Not actually a party, of course. A company run by one man, where folk who subscribe have no say whatsoever. You might as well sign up for Sky broadband, or TalkTalk. At least you’d be getting something for your money. Still, the leathery old bigot has finally slithered his way onto the House of Commons gravy train at the eighth time of asking, so chalk one up for persistence – although whether that’s his persistence or the media’s persistence, I’m not entirely sure. Anyway, four seats and just shy of one hundred second places show that – thirty years into a project financed by shady big money – they’ve finally become an overnight success. Bravo. Appeals to a swathe of people who might not have a clue what they stand for (beyond sToP tHe BoAtS) but feel they’ve been left behind by the status quo and want to annoy people who eat avocados. Or Gary Lineker. Or ideally both.

Also have four seats. Held one, took one from Labour, and overturned humungous Tory majorities in the other two. All done with the smidgeon of a fraction of an iota of the media attention Reform get, and almost entirely financed by donations from ordinary members of the public. Yes, I do have a soft spot for them – not least because they’re one of the few parties offering the politics of hope. Consider this the yin to my contempt for Reform yang, if you will. One punches down at the most vulnerable, the other might just save the planet. You pays your money, you takes your choice. TalkTalk is also an option, of course.

This was a good election for independent candidates. Without the backing of a party machine, their campaigns only succeed through hard work and by connecting with the public. Which is what politicians – as our representatives – should have to do, surely? Respect to each and every one of them who stood, and especially to those who’ve become MPs. I’m particularly looking forward to the first time the independent member for Islington North asks the new Prime Minister a question when the House of Commons reconvenes. Pass. The. Popcorn.

SNP and Plaid Cymru:
A disastrous election for one. What looks like a good one for the other. I’ve not much more to say on that because I really don’t know enough about the political landscape of Scotland or Wales, why it’s changed, or what those changes mean. Happy to learn more, though.

Finally, I’m granting myself one wish I’d like to see the new Labour government enact in the earliest days of office. I’d love to see them introduce PR, but that ain’t ever going to happen, so in the absence of that, I sincerely hope they’ll have the political acumen to open a processing centre for asylum seekers in France. It would stop the boats overnight, drive the people smugglers out of business, and save lives. It would also be an easy win for a human rights lawyer who needs to restore his reputation after spectacularly failing to do or say the right thing when it comes to what’s happening in G*za. Finally, it would deny Ol’ Leathery Frogface the stream of images (of anonymous brown people in dinghies) which he needs to keep his base whipped up into some kind of frenzy. Leave him politically adrift and rudderless, if you will. Do it, Son of Toolmaker. Do it now.